best ever funny jokes in english

best ever funny jokes in english

Jokes - When they give you lecturer
We can not leave our readers without laughing so here we bring jokes in a form of funny replies when somebody tries to give you lecturer but please dont't forget to say "Just Joking". Your sense of humor make anyone's laugh so these quips do. Enjoy, laugh, share and comment you crazy people to make other trolling with LOL.. funny jokes




1.) Money is not Everything.. There is also Amex, visa and master cards..

2.) One should Love animals They are too tasty....

3.) Save water...Instead drink on the Rocks...

4.) Fruit, Salad and green vegetables are healthy..Leave them for the sick..

5.) Books are Holy..Don't touch them..

6.) Don't shout in office..It disturbs those who are sleeping...

7.) Love thy neighbors.. But don't get caught

8.) Hard work never killed anyone..But why take Chances..?

9) Why do something today when...it can be done tomorrow by someone else

10.) Everyone should Marry.. after all... Happiness is not only thing in Life..

Do Comment, Share if you had a smile.. and if you have something funny to say, please tell.. We would love to hear your comments..
Happy Laughing..
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The relation between watch and Wife Joke
Here is a funny joke where we have compared wife with watch and found many hilarious facts so just enjoy..


There is a great relation between a watch & a wife... Wanna know how:
Here you go:
1. A watch does 24 hours: tik tik tik... And a wife does 24 hours kit kit kit..

2. Watch's sticks come to same point after having round so wife does. She comes to same point after you make her understand and force you to go with her understanding.

3. If watch goes faulty, it goes to mechanic shop but watch goes wrong, it goes to mom's home..

4. You need cells to charge watch and you need to salary to charge the wife.

5. When its 12 in the watch, all sticks are one but when it 12 hour with wife, she looks like 3..

6. There is fix time when watch gives alarm but there is no fix time of wife's alarm.

7. When watch has a problem, it stops but when wife has a problem, she starts..

8. The bid difference is whenever you want you can change the watch but you can't change the wife.

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Being funny with latest collection of New Jokes
Less than 5% people in this world hate humor so among the population of trillion billion people, 95% like and love to have humor and laughter in life and they want to be funny as well. And this is good because it gives us new energy, refresh ourselves and makes our health much better.

So here we are with our newest collection of latest funny jokes to explore a fun loving person inside you. Yes, you can make people and yourself laugh by sharing these wonderful pranks..
Below pranks are for each of our valuable reader to read, share and enjoy. Do remember that life is to live once so live it at fullest.

After marriage father in law calls son in law: hello dear.. how are you? hope, your life is going cool..
Son in law: forget about myself, I am 200% sure that your life is now easy and trouble-free...

Oil saying: Whenever you awake, that is morning..
New saying: Whenever you awake, you are online..

Wife to her friend: I tried to be good wife for few days.. I did everything to be cool with my hubby..
But after one week I fought with hubby..
God promise.. now I am feeling much better and relaxed..... and now I came to know that real satisfaction comes only when I do fight with him...

Man: I always feel so tired.. I always get sleep and even after sleeping many hours, I again feel to have more sleep.
Dr.: Ok, which phone do you use?
Man: Very basic phone..
Dr. Ah.... Please buy a smart phone.. May be Android or Apple.. Install social media apps and than you will be busy always.. You will not get sleep so easy because there is always something bothering you... Cheers..

Wife returns from market...
Husband says: My guess, you must be bringing something to eat in this box..
Wife: Oh my dear.. You are absolutely right.. I have my sleepers for you to...

Do remember that Love is blind but ALSO remember that your parents and neighbors are NOT...

Dear Friend: which phone gives the best battery back up?
Me: you can better take advise from that person who awakes whole night while talking to her girlfriend. He is the right person.

3 things never stay for long:
1- Body building with POWDER and supplements
2- Money from selling land
3- Setting girl from social media. LOL


Wife: You are abusing me while sleeping...
Husband: No, you must be having some misunderstanding..
Wife: No, what misunderstanding?
Husband: I was awake.. :))))

Jack: What is marriage?
John: Marriage is such a forest where brave lions are hunted by beautiful deers..


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Best 20 Funny Jokes to actually make your day full of laughter
Day without laughter is day wasted but we won't let you do this that is why we are bringing here the best 20 very funny jokes to make your day full of laughter. Be sure that you will move from here with a good experience. Cheers

When min stops working?
Men's mind work perfectly all the times...but it stops working only 2 critical times..
Me: When?
Man: 5 minute before exam and while choosing a girl..

funny jokes in english

Will you DANCE?
In a marriage function, boy said to a girl: will you dance?
Girl: Ahh, Ok, yes
Boy, then please stand up, I need a chair..

Girl's status
I do lots of worship and good work..
But I am afraid if I become a goddess so that I why I go illegal sometimes...

Why did you make me married?
Son: Dad, why you have forced me for marriage?
Dad: You don't know?
Son: No, please tell..
Dad: 25 years I have cleaned dishes alone but Now with you...

On you head
Man while wedding to priest: Sir, on while side I should ask my bride to sit, left or right?
Priest: Anywhere son, because ultimately she will sit on your head all the life..

Why you are here?
Girl sees her ex lover on her marriage, rushes towards him and asks: Why are you here, I am getting married tomorrow..
Boy: Catering and other arrangement are being ordered to me.. What do you want, should I stop eating/working??

Daughter to dad
Dad, one boy has made my life miserable. He makes me uncomfortable everywhere
Dad: So how do you want to punish him?
Daughter: By getting married with him...

Today's kids
Teacher: Why you did not come to school yesterday
Kid: The kids who came yesterday gonna get great JOB?

Face difficulties with smile
Wife came back from her father's home
Husband opens door and starts laughing so loud..
Wife: Why are you laughing like thins?
Husband: I have been taught that whenever difficulty comes, welcome with smile..
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Jokes - to Make anyone's day brighter
Jokes work like a booster because they enable the teller and listener to laugh a lot and laughing makes your mood so good. It spread positive energy into your mind and body. As we know life is full of tensions and struggles. Everyone is running for something. Rich want to get more richer and poor are struggling to arrange for their basic needs. Middle class people are under immense pressure of maintaining the status.

So in these difficult world, we have taken responsibility to make you laugh with our new, funny and humorous jokes, so read, share, energize people and have fun

Teacher: What is the difference between Song and lecture?
Student: When other women say something, it feels like a sweet song. Her voice attacks on our heart. So nice.. AND when our own wife says something - Ahh.. It is a lecturer..
NEXT DAY - Teacher gave the student a good treat for having such a deep knowledge --:) :) :)

Man: My wife is missing..
Postman: This is post office NOT police station..
Man: I am really sorry - out of happiness - I am confused and do not understand where to go..

Wife always call men a fool..
and then say.. we are ahead of men.. LoL
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LOL - American Jokes to Laugh like Crazies
America is the land of wonderful people. Here, you'll all kind of people i.e. witty, funny, smart, intelligent, brilliant and so on. As our topic is related to humor, so he we gonna share top American jokes which makes you laugh like anything.

Here you go..
Do you know the difference between the US and yogurt? . . . . . . . . . . .
Well, yes - If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.

Man to priest: So I will get the same wife in next birth also?
Priest: Yes please.
Man: Then there is no benefit of suicide as well :(


Boy: I fall in love in love with a nice Girl..!!
Girl: Good!! Who is she?
Boy: She is your shadow.. and looks a bit like you....
Girl: Awwww!! Is it me?
Boy: No, Your sister..

Boy: I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated.
Girl: So what do you do?
Boy:I close my eyes and sleep.

Seems like you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Yes you are right.. but I married the wrong woman.

Q: What's the difference between a knife and a woman arguing? .

Well , a knife has a point.

What do you call a french man killed defending his country?
I don't know either, its never happened!

Spouse:what will you give me if i arrived the top of mountain?
Hubby: A little push
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101-200 Top Jokes - Part 2
After mind blowing success of Part 1, we are very excited to publish the 2nd Part with Title 101-200 Top 100 Jokes. In this continuation, we gonna write something in more creative and more funny way to experience you the real taste of humor. We know that there is no need to teach you guys about the positive effects of laughter to your health, so without giving much lecture, lets dive into the sea of amazing Jokes.
Here you go:

The moment when you see your teacher in Public..

After 5 years of marriage, on valentines day, husband brings white Rose...
Wife: What is this? On this day, husband gives Red Rose...
Husband: But now Peace is more important than Love...

Two mouse were roaming around on bikes.
On the way, one lion asked for lift...
Mouse said: Think twice before taking lift from us, because we don't want to listen from your mom that you go around with villains..

Do you really want to give somebody heart-attack?
Take his phone---> go into the contacts---->select all--->delete..
Give him --> with that crazy smile.

Man was about to hand on till death.
Judge asked him about his last wish.
Man: Smiled and said, replace me.:)

The real friend is one...
Who takes care of you well while you vomit after drink..
And ask after some time : If you are feeling fresh - Should I make another pag?

Wife: How am I looking?
Husband: So cute..
Wife: Any comment?
Husband: You are looking so beautiful but it takes all my salary...

Once kidnapper kidnapped wife:
Next day I got a call: If you don't' give me the amount, I will kill you wife.
But I was silent..
Next day one more call: If you don't give me money I will throw your wife from mountain.
But I was silent
Next day I got a call: If you don't give me amount, I will send you wife back..
I shouted , please tell me how much...

Boy passed a comment on girl: I wish I could have the lipstick of your soft lips..
Girl turned back and replied: Then you must be daily on somebody below pant area.. LOL

Man: Dear your father is a doctor, still you are ill..
Me: Stupid, your father is salesman of condom, still you are in this world..


STAY TUNED FOR MORE.......
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Presenting the World's Best Jokes for much better life
Life is much easier when you really do something you are capable of, with a smile on your face. People will be impressed to see your performance and will mistaken you are doing very hard work in your work but you know that you are enjoying while having fun because you are doing what you love to do. Hours pass like minutes and still you have that wish do more. This is called right choice baby.

Quick Jokes and funny stuff do the right thing for you baby so here we are going to help you by having the opportunity to let you read our newest collection of latest jokes.

But first let us aware you the endless benefits of having humor. Here are the major points here due to short of time:

1.) No space for boredom
2.) Liked by everyone
3.) Makes you most lovable person
4.) Health and no disease
5.) Double the energy
6.) Tension, oh place at all

top jokes of all time

A.) A man moves into a colony where people don't wear clothes. He receives a letter from his mom asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new place. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a that colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!"

After so much research, a man finds a book called "How to be the Man in your house". He goes through it and learns. After reading, he sets the book down stands up and says to his wife "From now onwards, my word is law. You will prepare and have ready a gourmet meal for me each evening on my return from work, you will then run me a bath, was my back and dry me off. We shall then make love the what I want to. Oh,and one more thing, guess who will be dressing me from head to toe in the morning", The wife looked up at him and replied " If I'm right it'll be the fkn undertaker"

B.) A guy walks into a pub and sits down next to a hunk with a dog at his feet.
"Does your dog bite?" "No."
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.
"That's not my dog."

C.) “Hi, my name is (your name), and you are... gorgeous!"

D.) “You’re like a dictionary. You add meaning to my life."

E.) “Oops, I think I lost my number. Can I have yours?"


F.) “I’m invisible. Can you see me? How about tomorrow night?"

G.) You: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
You: When you fell from Heaven.

H.) Why do we trust the banks with our money, but they don't trust us with their pens?

I.) He who runs in front of a car gets tired, but he who runs behind a car gets exhausted!

j.) you're so short you can sit on the curb and swing your legs.

K.) Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A HANDSOME INTELLIGENT SENSITIVE MAN?
A: A RUMOR.

L.) What does 0 say to 8?

Ans : Nice belt!
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Every week we add New Jokes and Quotes
"This funny humorous post is invented to add new quotes and jokes instantly as they come new in the market/mind. You can visit check enjoy it now and visit it again to check upcoming fun. So everybody - Get ready to laugh!"
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If hubby is head of the family then what is wife?
Wife is the neck of the family and can turn head anywhere!

Wife: I will not survive. I will be died!
Husband: I will also be died.
Wife: I have fever and going through big pain but why you will die?
Husband: I can not tolerate so big news of happiness.

In psychology class..
Professor has placed a cake and other side female rat.
Rat gone to cake.
Other time, they places bread and female rat. Than again it goes to bread.
Several times, they put different food items but rat never attracted to female rat.
Professor - It is proved that hunger is bigger than love.
One intelligent student: Sir, Will you please once try to replace the female rat? It may possible that existing female is its wife!!

"Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I am doing." - Werner Von Braun

"Instant gratification takes too long." - Carrie Fisher

"It is difficult to keep quiet if you have nothing to say." - Malcolm Margolin

Man: I am very happy with life. Everything is just perfect. No problems, lot of free time and peace of mind.
Doctor: I got your nerve. You have lack of vitamin SHE!

Boys capability of keep balance should be examined when they are making pegs!
Crazies - They distribute it like they are sharing heaven's syrup! Cheers..
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Lot of Laugh
No intro - because you know what we are going to do, is make you lot of laugh! so get ready..


The person who got married in hurry - has spoiled his life..
So what ! Who has married so calmly has the same results...
People make lot of fun on marriage where husband is only victim. If you are in this category - you can understand the above pun better.

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Wife: Will you please give me the news paper,please?
Husband: How backward you are! People have reached to moon... Please take my tablet and use it.
Wife: Taken the table and killed the cockroach with it..
Hubby: Insane!
lNever try to boast anything. First listen to your wife - they are always right. Over smartness kills that is what happens in above joke.

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Life is visiting card.. Wife is memory card.. Husband is a ATM card..
Girlfriend is a debit card, neighbor is greeting card, sister in law is recharge card.
Parents ate pan card. Brother in law a duplicate card. child is identity card.
But friends are perfect card, works everywhere!
Every relationship is like card so use them wisely and save some good one for lat minute usage.
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Two biggest lie of the world.
Female: Just getting ready in 2 minutes.
Male: Just coming home in 2 minutes.
World truth - and convert it as a part of humor.

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After marriage the shy boy got confused on how to start the conversation!
After long silence, he finally asks to his wife: Do your family know that you are going to stay here from tonight onward?
Shyness makes sometime dumbo. So this bridegroom asks a silly question out of fear and makes us smile.
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Sequel of Jokes
Heartiest thanks to all readers for their outstanding response in UK/USA, encouraging/enabling us to write 'Sequel of Jokes' for non-stop entertainment, having more joyful time and ensuring, you live your life having enough laughter with friends and family. This time - our jokes are funny, short, latest, contain more comedy with well timing. You can understand the pranks more clearly and easily because they're now info-graphic. We trust that you all gonna make it as viral as its previous version.

Let us also lime light that bringing this thing into your daily life rally helps to live 100 percent of your time. Humor really gives you lots of hidden benefits like: you get energy, feel more refreshed, remove boredom, come more close to everyone, reduce stress, better blood pressure and much more. We do our best effort to keep it upgraded so that every tie you visit, you find some different, something meaningful, something to have fun with. So get ready for smile and keep exploring/sharing.


Once a man went to a marriage..

as he enters - there were 2 doors - the message was for friend and second relatives.. He enters in friends gate.
Again there were 2 doors - one was for ladies and another was for gents.. He enters in Gents..
Again there were 2 doors - One was for with gifts and another was for without gifts.. So he enters in without gift..
And he reaches on the street with message - shy on you - in my marriage without gift for meal.. huh

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Doctor: How your face burnt?
Man: I was ironing my clothes and phone rang and...
Doctor: Aha, but the another side of face burnt as well?
Man: Oh Doctor, these people are very dumb. Someone called again.

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If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

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The man wanted to become a great Scientist like Nutone..
after long research - he wrote the forth law of motion.
"Loose motion can never be done in slow motion"

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What is the meaning of greet dot on tiger Biscuit..
It means - the Tiger is On line..

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Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Europe.. Europe who?
No your a poo..Lol

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really funny joke

Man called frantically into the phone: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!
Doctor: Is this her first child?
Man shouted: No, this is her husband!

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Girl:Are you coming to my party tonight?
Boy:Ops - I am Sorry. I can not be there.
Girl: Why?
Boy: Because, I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow afternoon!

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I told him that look at that dead bird!
She looked up at the sky and said..."Where???"

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Just imagine, how many miles you have scrolled with mouse wheel.

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We teens are always full of energy until they say the words: clean up..

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Teacher: Why are you late?
Me: At least I came!

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Hahah..
Hey - I didn't fall - This floor just needed a big hug!

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My grandpa always told, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

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A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, my brother gone crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."

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A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 9:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 9:30?"
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Never Ending Jokes
Somethings like jokes, never ends. There are always millions of things to laugh at. Daily uncountable people get up and start a new chapter of thier lives, and somehow in their daily activities, numberless funny situations arise. People like us just grab those instances and give you a good material have fun or to share with anyone to create a good laughter.

So here, we are here adding some good newest funny pranks to add more value into our never ending journey of entertaining your world.

Wife: Can u help me in the gardening?
Husband: What do u think I am...a gardener?
Wife: Can u fix the door handle?
Husband: What do you think I am... a Carpenter?
Next day, when husband came from work, he saw everything has been fixed.
Husband: Who did all this ?
Wife: Our neighbour.
But he gave me two options.....Either I should give him a burger or a kiss.
Husband: I am sure u must have given him a burger. Wife: What do u think I am.......McDonalds?!!


Boss: Do you take anything seriously?
Employee: Yes..My phone's low battery warning!!

One of stupidest question ever: What is my Nationality?

If 7 out of 12 people suffer from skin injuries does that mean the 5 of them enjoy!

Now, which way should I choose?
To the left, where nothing is right...
OR
To the the right, where nothing’s left?

Either you like me, or you're gone mad!

If they count the speed of light, do they also notice the speed of dark?

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
Simple -- To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
Well -- To stamp out burning ducks.

Best way to reduce weight!
First turn your neck to the right and then to the left.Repeat this exercise everytime when you're offered something to eat!
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New in Market
I know you must be fed up from hearing those repeated jokes again and again. Well, do not worry - we are here to update you with fresh ones. We do lot of researches so that you get the newest. Your smile is our target - and we take it very seriously. WE wish you shall be laughing all the time. It gonna make you healthier and attractive personality. Enough - now go below - and read these new in the market.


Wife is house queen..
Does her own things..
Get irritates when given a work.
Gets happy when goes to shopping!

Rat: In a party had 4 glasses of Beer!
Cat: It is party, otherwise you would have dead!
Rat:Run from here..Otherwise people will say that I am beating a female after drunk!

Whether you are in love or being beaten by a mosquito - Results will be same..
No sleep whole nigh!!!

Dr: How do you come here?
Patient: Not feeling well!
Dr.: Do you take alcohol?
Patient: Yes, but please make it small!!

Friend: How did you teeth break?
Man: Wife has made so hard breads!
Friend: So you should have denied from eating!!
Man: That is what I did!!!

Compounder:Why do you stare girls while standing here o regular basis?
Man: Because it is written in you notice board - 11 - 1 - time to see females!!
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09 jokes you can easily share anywhere
Are confused about what to share when you want to make the atmosphere light? Well, here we are coming up with these light, clean and simple jokes to be shared at this moment, no matters what your audience are!

Here we move:

1) Man standing at ATM machine!
Thief: Get and withdraw all the money and give it to us!
Man: But I do not have ATM!
Thief: Than what are you doing here?
Man: Just to chill myself in their air conditions.

2) World's three vary innocent faces:
A- Sleeping child.
B- The person who is asking to for give some money!
C- Our Friend who is sitting in front of our parent!

3) When did the king die?
In his last war!

4)What is the main reason of divorce?
Marriage!

5) In which state biggest rives flows?
Liquid!

6) When our Prime Minister birth?
On his Birthday!

7)How will you divide 7 mangoes between 10 people?
By making Mango Shake!

8)In whole year, where maximum ice fall?
In Glass of wine!

9) Wife (Angrily): I just can not believe this! You forgot my birth day! How dare you!
Hubby (in very tempting voice): Darling, how can you expect me to remember this day when you never look any older!
Wife: Really, my love?
Hubby: Yes, Honey... (thinking - Thank God, I recall the dialogue at right time, otherwise, I would have dead today)

Not is Sure, so instead of waiting for perfect time, why not to en-cash what you have right now! Finding the correct time is very rare. You have create it, and the right time is now, live it and rest will fall on places itself.
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Silliest Complaints Ever - You Must Go Through
After receiving strange but eye opening complaint from a user, Microsoft decided not to invest further in computers..

funny short joke

Complaint Date: 1st April - Person Name: I Doubt!

Dear Owner,

I bought a computer for my family but we came across some of the biggest unexpected problems! Kindly have a look.

#1. Near alt, I saw the start button but there is no Stop button.

#2. I also purchased keyboard, mouse, data card, CPU, data cable but there is only one icon which shows 'My computer'. So when you will provide the remaining items?

#3.You also show 'My Network Places'. For heaven's sake, please stop providing 'My secret places' I just do not want to let my spouse know where I go after my office hours.

#4. My kids learned 'Computer Word' now they want to learn 'Computer Sentence' so let us know when you introduce that.

#5. There is a query whether any re-scooter is available in your system? I see 're-cycle' only but U own a scooter.

#6. It is shocking that windows says 'My pictures' but there is not even a single pic of mine. So when will you keep my photos ion that?

#7. There is 'Microsoft Office' what about 'Microsoft Home' because I use system at home only.

#8. You only show my recent documents but I need to check my past documents too!

#9. You placed a 'Find' key but it is not working at all. My kid lost my car's key and I tried a lot to trace it with this 'find' button but it didn't work!

#10. Last but not least.. You tell you name is Gates then why are you selling Window?

Thanks & Regards
Always Concerned Person.
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All Men
All men are not slimy warthogs. Some men are silly giraffes, some woebegone puppies, some insecure frogs. But if one is not careful, those slimy warthogs can ruin it for all others.

A retired husband is often a wife's full time job.

Easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
Cowculator

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Olive Toop
Olive Toop Who?
So do I, but I don't brag about it.

I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on.

This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation.
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Beautiful or Cute?

Once a lawyer wakes up from his disease after treatment, and notices his spouse besides him. His eyes little open and he utters, "Hey beautiful!" and then he falls asleep again.
His wife gets a shock because he never heard it from him.
After 10 minutes, he again opens his eyes and he says “Hey cute!"
She asks what happened? Earlier you were calling me beautiful but now cute. why?
"The drugs are wearing off!" He replies!
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Great legs

In a club, there was some big fat bird dancing on that table.
As I walked past, I said great legs.
She said "really, thank you"
I said yeah, most tables would have collapsed by now.
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What's WRONG with me

A lady early in morning, rushed to visit her doctor. She was looking very much tensed and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight.... very funny short jokes